It’s been months, and I haven’t been able to write this post until now. I think a small part of me was hoping something would work out, and I wouldn’t ever have to write this. But it’s becoming very clear that isn’t the case here.
So, here we go. On July 4th, as fireworks exploded outside of my home, I requested permission to remove my collar via skype, and he agreed.
Yeah, it sucked. I haven’t sobbed that brokenly in my adult life before. But it needed to happen. We had been going in circles, getting nowhere, for a very long time. It became clear to me that after 8 years, if we weren’t making it, we never would. And if I didn’t request release, we’d spend another 8 years in the same circle.
At first, we left the door open to keeping a relationship inside Second Life only, as we seemed to function better in the pretend world than in the real world. But the damage was too great. We spent weeks not talking, and then we ended that, too.
The business we built together has been closed. The Waves club we created together has been passed to a new owner, and she is doing great with it. I’ve sold the sim, and moved my little collar store to a small patch of mainland which costs me next to nothing.
Eventually, we formed an uneasy truce, he and I, and were able to be in the same space in Second Life again. We found ourselves hanging out, then being naughty.. it just came so naturally to us to be as ‘together’ as we could be. But that has faded out again too. I think we both wanted to hang onto something but … I think we know it’s just not feasible. He is very rarely in SL anymore, and I find less and less reason to be there myself. I help with the Waves club on Mondays, but otherwise, there’s not much that makes me want to log in at all.
We are trying to be friends, and after almost 6 months since the split, we have found a mellow balance. We talk some evenings while we play Guild Wars 2, see each other on very rare occasions in SL, and now and then we send funny things in Discord. We’re the kind of friends you’d expect of two people who spent every moment possible together for 8 years. We instinctively reach out to each other still…. but the damage is done, and while the wounds are healing, the scars will always remain. I expect we will remain friends for a long while, but eventually that will fade as well.
I still love him. Deeply, desperately. My collection of necklaces is growing rapidly as I try to keep something on my neck all the time so I don’t feel the emptiness of that missing collar as much. But that doesn’t remove the ache, the deep desire to be with him. It is true what they say…. sometimes love just isn’t enough. I will always want him, always love him. I very much expect to spend the rest of my life alone, as the thought of even considering starting something with another person just makes me feel sick to my stomach. I just have no interest.
But. The decision was the right one. I am sure of that. The heart wants what it wants, that is true. But sometimes, the head needs to rule, and this is one of those times. After 6 months apart, I know this is the right choice. The sucky choice, the painful choice, the choice that still leaves me crying into a pillow at night more than I’d like to admit… but the right one nonetheless.
I expect this to be my last entry in this blog. I will leave it here, as it is something I like to go back and read now and then, like a journal. But I don’t foresee any new things coming in the future. Who knows, maybe something will spark the need for a rant… but at least for my journey with my beloved Master….
this is the end.
The Better Way 