My Master isn’t perfect.
*gasp*
I’m not perfect either. And relationships are a struggle. And D/s isn’t 50 shades of anything, and it’s no fairy tale. This isn’t going to be some sappy story about how everything has been a dream come true and my Master and I are all flowers and hearts and happily every after. We aren’t. It’s WORK, dammit. Hard work.
But I’m starting at the end. Let’s go back to the beginning.
I spent the majority of my adult life in a vanilla relationship where I was ignored and left to my own devices. I raised a daughter in this relationship, I was in control of most things, and I did what needed to be done. Life was all about duty and obligations and meeting the needs of my family. And I was good at it. My daughter grew and left the house, I was still ignored and left to my own devices, and now I had time to focus on anything I chose. But what I craved was being taken in, held, wanted… and there was none of that in my life.
I began to study. To read stories and blogs and research things.. no specific goal in mind, just a general wandering through all sorts of topics on relationships and such. Maybe I was looking to save my dead marriage… but I suspect I was really just looking to understand myself better….to try to sort out this restless lonely lost feeling. In time, I found and explored the world of Dominance and submission. I read everything from kinky stories to detailed descriptions of the relationship and the protocols, expectations, lifestyles… I read it all. I explored it in my virtual world of Second Life… toyed with it, danced around the edges, learned more and more. Eventually a picture began to form in my mind of what I needed, what felt right and true to me. I tried to bring that into my vanilla relationship and was completely rejected. So I turned back to the virtual world, and eventually the vanilla relationship ended.
People in SL are idiots.. and the D/s and BDSM communities are full of complete losers and assholes, at least in this virtual world. I had bad experiences. I never found anyone that I could fully surrender to, and those that I danced around the edges with either hurt me or just vanished. I got disillusioned and turned to activities like building to just get my mind off any thoughts of having what I needed.
And then….lightning out of a clear blue sky. I wasn’t looking. I definitely wasn’t looking. There was a charity auction for a charity I felt strongly about. In order to support the auction and the charity, I bid on this person I’d talked to idly a couple of times, and chose him specifically because his notecard said he wasn’t looking for anything. He was safe. I talked to him ahead of time, we cleared up that it would be just a friendly non-sexual date if I won.
I won. Oh dear God, did I win.
I wasn’t interested in him. He wasn’t interested in me. He had another girl in his sights and was very focused on her. We became builder buddies, hung out, talked. As is the nature of things, talk turned to our thoughts and views on everything, we debated a LOT… and eventually got to discussing our views on D/s… and he told me he had a ‘better way’.
Arrogant much? Jeez. Who was this guy who figured his odd views on D/s were better than the status quo, the standard view of every walking stereotype in every D/s club on the grid? Who was he to think that his “I’m an Alpha” was somehow this grand thing that was better than the Doms and Masters and Tops and whatever else they were all calling themselves?
Then, as is his way, he explained. And talked. And educated. And explained some more. His way doesn’t involve high protocol, kneeling, whips and chains and “Sir” this and blind obedience. It doesn’t involve structured orders and detailed expectations for certain activities to be performed by rote. His ‘better way’ really boiled down to one thing. Follow his lead, and keep up. He, the Alpha, leads and directs, and fully expects his sub to follow along, keep up, and support. Nope, he’s not going to baby her. He’s not going to coddle and handhold. He’s a hardass, and he expects her to be strong enough to be with him.
It is, without a doubt, the most humbling, scary…. and absolutely empowering thing I could imagine. As time went on, as the girl he was interested in chose not to be his, as we spent more and more time together… the ‘builder buddies’ became much more. Eventually, I knelt and begged him to collar me, and he did. And he took the lead, and said “follow, and keep up”. And at first I wasn’t sure I could… and he said “you will”.
So empowering! He expected and trusted that I could be strong enough to follow him. He gave me credit for being the kind of woman who could balance strength and submission. He looked at me and saw a woman who is independent, tough, able to do anything I want… and still able to surrender all to him without reservation. And because he saw it, I did too. Because he fully expected it, no compromise, no exceptions, I was able to be who I always was, but didn’t know before.
He stomped all over traditions. He rolled his eyes at the typical online D/s expectations for subs and changed everything for me. No kneeling (other than for very special reasons at his command). No BDSM. No titling other people, no need even to show deference to others… his sub, no one else’s. My head held high, I walked a step behind and …. I kept up. I blossomed, I thrived, I grew more confident.
And then I stumbled. I fell. I flailed and freaked out and lost my mind… I cried out that I couldn’t do it, the path was too hard. Not just once. I faltered many times. He didn’t run back and coddle me and baby me. He grabbed me up, shook me until my head settled, and then set me on my feet, kissed me, told me he loved me… and walked on, saying “follow, and keep up”. And I did. Sometimes it’s been a slow stroll, sometimes I’ve had to run at a near sprint. But I keep up.
And he never stops loving me. He never pulls away from me. He is always there, a step ahead but within reach, his hand on my leash, on my heart. He never belittles me when I miss a step and have to jog to get back in place. He laughs and pulls me close and kisses me, then we walk on down the path. He never pulls his love away from me, never holds back his warmth and affection and approval. Even when I fail, he just turns it into a lesson…. and we move on. Always together, always on the journey. Always down the path of the ‘better way’.
Is this for everyone? No. Many subs need structure, detailed directions and lists of expectations and everything defined…. need protocol and all of the things that go along with that. But for me, this is intuitive, it’s instinctive… it’s more natural and easy. It feels real to me, where the protocols and rules lists always felt like a game, like RP or playing. I don’t say it’s better for everyone. But for me, this really is the ‘better way’ that he said it was.
And the virtual moved into the real world. My life changed, we met, he locked a collar on my neck in person. You’d think that security would stop my tripping up. It didn’t. I’ve faltered and flailed and stumbled still.
He never stops loving me. He never pulls back his hand, never rejects me. No matter what, he is there. He picks me up, shakes me, kisses me and sets me back on my feet again, and walks on.. saying once more “Follow, and keep up”. It’s not a question. It’s a statement… that he knows I can, and is certain I will.
He’s not perfect. I’m not perfect. Long distance relationships are hard. D/s is hard. It’s not flowers and hearts and happily ever after.
It’s a journey. He leads. I follow. And because he knows I can, I know I can too.
Better way? Damn right.
The Better Way 